FOUR IVAN DRAGOS AND ROCKY IV / THE DAVID GEMMELL LEGEND AWARD
by
Baby Snaga. Baaaaaabyyyyyyy Snaga. I got you in my sights. I see you. Over there. Looking sharp. And beautiful. And shiny. And…. Miniature.
Baby Snaga is the award for the also-rans. It’s a reward for the writers who are good enough to get into the finalist circle, but not brawny enough to take Papa Snaga from the hands of an unwitting world audience. This is what happens when a man destined for a Baby Snaga tries to touch Papa Snaga:
Do you see the crazed gleam in his eye? That’s the look of a man who knows that Snaga will never be his. He can pet Papa Snaga’s curves, but if he ever tries to wield the big man himself, he’ll probably chop off a toe in a tragic woodcutting accident.
Warning to readers: that crazed, sad, pathetic little man above, there, THAT could be me. This is why I need your help. Desperately. Desperately. Need. Your. Help.
The David Gemmell Legend Award is given to the best heroic fantasy of the year as voted on by people like you. That’s right, every award has its foibles, and the David Gemmell Legend Award’s foible is this: THEY’RE TRUSTING YOU.
This year, the finals of the DGLA include a very talented pool: first, the Frenchman, Pierre Pevel, author of The Cardinal’s Blades. Pierre may or may not have been involved in ruthlessly mocking my pronunciation of “Cardinal Richeliu.” Oh, you think you can do better? Just try: Cardinal RI. SHEH. LYOOO. Doubtless Pierre will have the Francophile vote locked down. Anglophiles, consider this a direct challenge to your manhood. Or. Womanhood…
Besides, what have the French ever given us except extremely good clothes… and great wine… and great cheese… and great architecture… and charming waiters… and Lilu Dallas clothed in a bandage?
Secondly comes Peter V. Brett. Who, to my eternal envy, has upon at least one occasion, hugged the aforementioned Milla Jovovich (although it is believed at this time that she was not wearing the bandage at the time of said hug). Peter Brett is the talented author of The Painted Man and The Desert Spear. He is also a noted hugger.
Thirdly, Markus Heitz has burst upon my consciousness like dawn after a night of too much fun. Markus, despite having infiltrated my own exquisite publisher in the US and UK, is carrying the honor (and zillions of votes) of yet another great Old World country: Germany. Dah Dah Dah. And besides, what have the Germans given us? Except music. Philosophy. Poetry. Clocks that run on time. Cars that actually look good. 18-hour Opera. And kick-ass fantasy stories. Oh wait, forget that last part. Don’t vote for him! Look over here! Me! Over Here! The American. Ah, crap.
My fourth and fourth-and-a-halfth opponent is the ubiquitous (and also American) Brandon Sanderson. Brandon is the author of approximately 417 novels. Who is also known as the man who has lost the David Gemmell Legend award more times than anyone else has even been nominated. However: DO NOT PITY THIS MAN. He is also the only man in the world known to proficiently dual-wield Baby Snagas (having had more practice than anyone alive). And of course, the other halfth of his team is the utterly inimitable Robert Jordan who is, indeed, a legend. And if you vote for Robert Jordan (a personal hero of mine), I might someday– after a long and bitter time of personal sorrow–forgive you.
Ok, fine. So the field’s crowded. And the other guys… They’re not half bad. Not even those guys who are splitting a Snaga in half. So, here’s the reason you should vote for me…
Ok, well gosh darn it, I’m just pretty psyched that I get a Baby Snaga! So thanks all you guys for getting me this far in the David Gemmell Legend Award. And, if you’re a glutton for punishment, you can throw in a vote on the losing side. It’s only a couple clicks of your mouse, and maybe you’ll help me sacrifice some dignity by coming in a distant fourth rather than a distant fifth-and-a-half (I hate it when the write-in votes for Mickey Mouse beat me)! Go here to vote.
Thank you so much for the honor, and I hope I entertained you with this brief fight preview! (raw-KEY, raw-KEY, raw-KEY, ROCKY!) C’mon, even the Russians voted for the underdog, and that was during the Cold War!
I feel guilty ; really guilty ! I am French (and proud of it) and I voted for you ; but your post makes me wonder if I should not rather have voted for Pierre Pevel ! (Too much compliments about french stuff in only one paragraph maybe.)
Anyway, at least I can say “Cardinal Richeliu” ( or as we say in France “Cardinal de Richelieu”) ! And I love you enough to not to have any regrets in my vote.
I wish you a wonderful Papa Snaga.
I’ll only vote if you promise to do one of the following:
A sequel to Perfect Shadow.
A sequel trilogy to The Night Angel trilogy.
A fanfiction for any sworn rival-author you have that glorifies the story, characters and author!
Learn to dougie.
Cut down on fizzy drinks.
Ooooooooooor, subtly put one of the Night Angel characters into The Black Prism trilogy!
A sequel to the NA trilogy is up after the Lightbringer series. A sequel to Perfect Shadow would be pretty pointless, seeing as it goes just about right up to the events of the NA trilogy.
yes to all exeped the fizzy drinks and the part about bringing in a character to the light bringer series because the NA series is a completely differnt world and the NA magic laws will never work in the LB series. evan though if you were the PRISM druzo would still kick your ass.
Yeah Tom I’m sorry, to everything you offered, he’s either doing it or it’s just too ridiculous to think of/ ask. Why don’t you vote for him because he’s a good writer and you loved his books? As you obviously do because you’re on his site.
Tom, as these guys have pointed out now, I’m on it! And thanks. 🙂
😀
Would’ve gotten back sooner but I thought it emailed you…
Well what about learning to Dougie? That’s a good one!
I laughed all the way through this rant thinking “Where is he going with this. What’s with the title” Of course I voted for you (Yes, I’ve never read any of the other works on the shortlist, but that’s O.K.) I completely agree with Tom of a sequel to Night Angel Trilogy (Haven’t read Perfect Shadow yet, but I’m sure it deserves a sequel) I also wish the next book in the Black Prism series would come out, I’m dieing without it, dieing I tell you diiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiieiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiing.
-Murayama Tsuru
Your writing is hilarious and i love love LOVE that movie and i just cant get enough of your books i have reread all of them at least three times now and they are the best i have ever read so of course i’ll vote for you and i know your working your hardest on those books just keep doing what you doing and you’ll probably be the best writer ever
You have one thing going for you. You’re at the very top of the voting options. Not that I think that people will be so shallow as to be influenced by that, nor that you’d want to win that way even if they were, but still…
You’re on top! At least until voting closes!
I voted for you, in case you were wondering.
Actually, it swaps the positions around…
That is so disappointing. I even checked the link to make sure that you were right. And you are. Which is sad.
Well, he was still on top for a little bit.
Voted for you.
Good luck my friend who doesn’t know me but I love regardless!
For inspiring me to attempt to become an author, you get the aforementioned prize of a single vote. If I ever get published I’ll give you something more substantial… like a card or something…
brent no offence but has any one ever called you a dork?
Once, and then I beat that person with my Oxford English Dictionary.
But it’s a compliment!!! 🙁
really brent??? your creating fake arguments to get ppl to vote for you?? that is completely unecassary, all you’d need to do is say is “i’m up for such an such award an here’s a link” i’m pretty sure that’d do it… lol your just too awesome to be ignored… haha
well you got my vote even if i had read Heitz’s war of the Dwarves…
Just having a little fun, Bill. I’m all for professionalism, but I don’t want this page to get dry. Plus, sometimes you get going–and it’s just. So. Hard. To. Stop!
Yeah…I voted for you about 20 times before I stopped and asked myself, “will they actually count more than one vote?” and then I answered myself, “Negative Ghostrider…” Then I wondered, “well maybe they do” and voted another 10 times just for good measure!
Either way, I did my part and REALLY REALLY REALLY HOPE YOU WIN!!!!!!
Loved the rant…laughed all the way through it.
~Sarah
Sarah, Thank you so much, and I love your enthusiasm. However, I do have to ask all my fans to please only vote once for me. It’s terribly flattering that you’d like to work the system for my sake, but I hope someday to win (don’t expect to this year, but hope that I’ll make it at some point in my career!), and want that win to be totally legit. Plus, as I noted below to Eli, I’m pretty sure they keep an eye out for this sort of thing and throw out votes if they suspect anything shady. So thank you again. I love that you’re excited and I really appreciate it… and they probably threw out your votes. 🙁
You aren’t permitted to vote more than once from the same ip.
If you go back to the voting screen and hit cast vote again, there’s a message presented which reads “You have already cast your vote.”
It might be possible to cast multiple votes but not without some hacking.
Yes, I prefer this kind of humourous rant as opposed to a formal (professional? Doesn’t matter :D) announcement of such events :D. You have my vote anyway :3
You have my vote, but now I want something in return…. I want the your books available on audible UK (I have tried to download from the US site, but it takes you back to the UK site!)
Just to give you an incentive – Peter V Brett’s books are there and so are ALL Joe Abercrombie’s (and we can’t let your best friend beat you, can we?)
As far as sequel to Perfect Shadow – what do you think prequels are for?
You have my vote, actually I voted for you months ago, after you answered my email. Yes I’m easily bribed and I voted again today, so I really hope you will get your price. I keep my fingers crossed for you.
Even though I fell a little guilty since I’m from Germany and should probably vote for Markus Heizt, but well I never read one of his books and so you win.^^
Hahaha Brilliant blog post. I was originally not sure which to choose, you or Sanderson, but that rant made my day and won me over! You got my vote.
Read Sarah’s comment…you can vote more than once and make each vote count? Seriously, is this something I should be doing too – vote multiple times?
Eli,
I’m pretty sure that if they see multiple votes from the same ip address, they throw them all out–so voting multiple times is actually worse than only voting once! But forcing your friends to vote? Totally acceptable! 🙂
You just aren’t permitted to vote more than once from the same ip.
If you go back to the voting screen and hit cast vote again, there’s a message presented which reads “You have already cast your vote.” What Sarah was probably doing, funnily enough, was… nothing.
It might be possible to cast multiple votes but not without some hacking.
PS! Tweeted the link to your blog, lets see if we can get you some extra votes
done, sweetie. Hard choice between you and Brett. He has an unbelievably compelling world, but that stunt of yours with Gavin/Dazen is something else entirely. I’ve stopped liking Sanderson, after reading compulsively absolutely everything he’s ever written. Sadly all his “good” characters have started to look identical.
Whenever you post a link to vote for you for stuff, I always vote for you. Partly in thanks for putting up with the e-mails I send you when I can’t go to sleep and partly because you’re a really cool writer.
Voted for you Brent and loved the rant. Can’t wait for your next books. I’m excited to read Perfect Shadow.
You have my vote. XD
Because you ask so nicely, write perfect stories, are the author of one of my two favourite trilogies, and for this amazing post on blog, that I NEED to post on facebook!, made me laugh for the first time today. (great fan of Milla Jovovich myself! XD)
I haven’t read Black Prism yet, but I ordered it and it should come in next week, but I don’t want to forget to vote and I have my faith that The Black Prism is at least half as good as Night Angel Trilogy, which in itself means it’s above everyone else. ^^
Good luck!
Okay, so I read it in 3 days.
I wish I could vote again -.-. About 3 times more again, so you can get 3 more votes.
So, if you win, will you be all hyper happy and writing the second part of Lightbringer with the speed of light, or just hyper happy doing normal stuff? I would very much prefer the first one. 😛
The book is EPIC! (had to be said) I love it how you don’t change your own style. Subtle humour comments every now and again, that’s Weeks for you.
Here’s why I voted for you. Ok, I admit The Black Prism is my personal favorite of those choices, even over Sanderson, who I typically love, but The Way of Kings was WAYYYYY too long for its own good. Anyway, I voted for Prism because it most strongly honors Gemmell’s legacy (besides maybe Heitz, who i haven’t read yet. Do you recommend him?), and that’s the whole point of the award.
Ah, I already voted for Peter V. Brett *hides*
Really, that is some contest and I found it reeeeeaaaallllly hard to choose – yes, that hard.
There’s too many of my favourite authors in one place. Black Prism is an awesome book. But, so is The Desert Spear and The Way of Kings — not to mention The Wheel of Time series, which I’ve been reading for as long as I’ve loved fantasy stories.
You guys sure make it difficult to choose a favourite novel to read! Keep up the good work.
I won’t throw any hardtack at you today, promise. The field IS pretty incredible, so I don’t blame you in the slightest. 🙂